How To Kill a Plant
We’re often told to take time to stop and smell the flowers. You just won’t be doing it at my place.
It’s because they call me the plant killer.
My friends say I’m so bad at taking care of plants that I even kill the plastic ones. No one, and I mean no one, ever asks me to water their plants when they go on vacation. Nurseries have sued me, and sometimes they issue a restraining order just to make sure there are no plants in my house and that I never show up to buy any. No pots, no leafy greens, no flowers, nada.
It isn’t that I want to kill plants. I hold no grudge against them.
But you’d think with the internet to guide me that I should be able to find the information I need on how to not only make them stay alive, but flourish. And there are so many digital tools to remind me when it’s time to give them some love.
Yet I’ve thrown out a huge amount of brown, dried, shriveled specimens in my lifetime. And it isn’t always the fact that I forget to water them. Sometimes I put them in the wrong place and they get too much or not enough sun. Sometimes I forget to bring them in when it gets cold and frosty outside. Plus, who knew that you could water them too much? Why are there so many rules?
I could hire a plant service but I’m pretty sure I can kill a plant in the week between when they first show up and when they come back. They’d return with their watering can and leaf duster, only to stand in awe at my special ability to murder their leafy children.
I thought about constantly replacing them once they start to turn brown, but for me that would be a full time job.
It’s not that I don’t like plants. I think they’re great when I see them in other people’s homes, and I really like the smell of flowers, but I’m at the point where you can actually see the plants flinch when I get near.
The good(?) news is I’m not alone.
Ask any of your friends, and I bet they can immediately point to someone else just like me. I’d start a club but is there a cavern big enough to hold us? And if we had a potluck I can guarantee no one would ever be able to bring a green salad.
So I have resigned myself to a life without plants.
If I feel the need to enjoy some greenery, I can go to the park or to a public garden, but I need to wear a disguise because the plants there are on to me.
At one point I thought fake plants may be the answer. I even wrote a post about keeping my Christmas tree up all year. They are a lot nicer than they used to be. There are some being made you have to stare at for hours to see that they’re fake. And I could buy fresheners to provide the smell.
Yet I resist.
I would always know they’re not the real thing, and somehow that matters.
So I won’t be able to stop and smell the flowers, but I can still enjoy a sunset. A great glass of wine. Music that moves me.
Sometimes it’s not about what you can’t do, it’s about what you can. If you can smell the flowers, please take some time to do so. Just don’t tell them I sent you.
Want a chuckle and maybe something to think about a couple of times a week? Then click here.